| Reflections on Matthew's Second Birthday
June 19, 2005 |
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This year, Matthew's birthday fell on a Sunday. Since Alan and I regularly attend the Sunday Meeting
for Worship at Swarthmore Friends Meeting, it seemed like a perfect, ready-made opportunity for
silent reflection about the baby boy we both miss so much. We brought eight-month-old Chloe to Meeting, as we have done several times before. Chloe usually loves the provided child care, but she is currently teething and has been very fussy. The child care volunteers were determined not to disturb us during Meeting for Worship. However, Alan and I still heard her periodic cries from down the hall. This mundane experience brought me to a new and peaceful realization. Knowing that Chloe was being cared for (and that someone would get me if I were truly needed), I tried to maintain my meditative focus and not to be bothered by her distant cries. I couldn't entirely get my focus back, but I found that instead of being annoyed by the distraction, I felt a little smile in my heart -- a feeling of gratitude for having Chloe in our lives -- while being able at the same time to devote half of my attention to Matthew. For the very first time, I felt able to give myself to both of my children at once, without one of them being denied. I am thankful to have been able to hold Matthew in my heart among other silent worshippers on the morning of his birthday. Most of all, I am grateful for the new appreciation of motherhood that this experience gave to me. I was able to devote much of Matthew's birthday to him in another way: by updating this memorial website. I had not worked on the site since May 2004, before Matthew's first birthday. I have been eager to add pages about his first birthday memorial in Newport and to establish all of the site's original links, many of which were still inactive. So, after a rewarding Meeting for Worship and a calm, delightful Father's Day spent as a family, I turned my attention to this website. Most of my work had to be done after Chloe was in bed. I must admit to staying up until past 3 am working on the site. But the next day I felt much less tired than I expected. It is true that I am well used to broken sleep (though Chloe has recently begun sleeping through the night -- hooray!) -- but something else was at work, too. I felt emotionally energized by finally making time for Matthew. Devoting my thoughts and actions periodically to my first child is important to me, especially on his birthday. Back to Matthew's main page |