Parenting to Prevent

How to raise your children to become responsible adults

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     Why do people blame others? Why does our society avoid responsibility? Why is scapegoating a problem? Though there are many contributing factors, parenting is a major issue. Many people would claim that they were brought up to avoid responsibility. Parents have brought up their children with the mindset that someone else is at fault when things go wrong. Children, therefore, don’t consider the consequences of their actions, don’t think for themselves, and are quick to point the finger when they misbehave. Here, we will provide you with some useful tools on how to parent children to be responsible. 

Children Need Parental Approval 

          Children heavily rely on their parents’ approval. It is important to reward your children for what they do right. As Mary Mackie wrote in her "What is Good Behavior?" article, "Children work on a reward system; they will repeat behavior that is rewarded." (1)  Rewards need not cost money, a hug or an applaud will make them feel just as special. Children are wired to respond to rewards, and positive reinforcement is very effective for children of all ages. However, it is important to not give excessive praise. Popular show host and author Dr. Phil McGraw says that "Appropriate praise can be healthy and build self-esteem, but if overused, it can leave a child feeling inadequate when he/she doesn't receive it." (3) Parental attention is a huge reinforcer for children, so spend time with your children and praise them when they are behaving well.

Parental attention is one of the most powerful forms of positive reinforcement. (2)

          "Focus on good behavior instead of bad behavior." (2) Be sure to praise behavior that is responsible. Since positive reinforcement is such a strong force in a child’s life, be sure that you are reinforcing the right things. For example, while it may be humorous when your child says a “bad word,” resist the temptation to laugh. Laughter will only make the problem worse. 

          By showing them how good it is to be responsible, they can learn from a young age to be accountable for their actions, and they will choose the right ones. Simply stated, they will never feel the need to blame someone else if they are doing the right things. 

What to Do When They Misbehave 

          This topic is a bit controversial. Some argue that a firm form of discipline is the way to go, others argue that bad behavior should be ignored so as not to reinforce it with parental attention. Still others still use spankings as a means of discipline. 

Studies have shown that very few children respond well to spankings as disciplinary measures. While the spankings may stop the behavior for the moment, in the long term it does not help the child to learn right from wrong (6). Children may also "increase aggressiveness, antisocial behavior, and delinquency" as a result of spankings (4). They learn that it is okay to lash out with violence when they are angry.

"Spanking is not the best form of discipline, because it does not teach children right from wrong." (6)

          Now, when a child misbehaves, which is more appropriate, ignoring them or disciplining? While it largely depends on the child, the circumstances, and the misbehavior, I feel that a mixture of both is the best. Giving the child a great deal of attention is not good. According to Mackie, "children can enjoy the attention they get from bad behavior even if you are cross." (1) Many children like any attention, good or bad, and the attention they get when they misbehave could reinforce the behavior. However, I feel that it is important to let a child know when their behavior is unacceptable. Dr. Phil outlines the best means of discipline for various ages in his article "Age-Appropriate Discipline Techniques." (2) He says that for children eighteen months and older, verbal instruction is an effective means of discipline. If it is swept under the rug, it is unlikely that the problem will end. The child may feel like they are “getting away” with something, and the behavior could worsen. 

          A healthy mixture of discipline and ignoring will show a child what is inappropriate, and they can concentrate on the kinds of behaviors that are being reinforced. 

That’s Not a Valid Excuse 

         If your son nor daughter offers an excuse for his or her misbehavior, point out what he or she did wrong, and how they can make it right. In general, do not allow them to make excuses. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, and sometimes reasons or excuses are valid. Be sure to recognize when your child is at fault and when circumstances were out of their control. By becoming acquainted with your child's physical abilities and schedule, you will be able to deduce which reasons are valid, and which are mere excuses.

        Do not allow your child to blame someone else or another force for what they did (or did not do). For example, “I hit my sister because she teased me.” Make sure that the the child who teased is punished according to their behavior, and the child who hit is punished for theirs. By refusing to accept invalid excuses, you are curbing the problem of scapegoating. 

Bad excuses are worse than none. - Thomas Fuller

          However, there are always instances in which the child does in fact have a valid excuse. Perhaps they really were victimized by a bully at school or an older sibling. Perhaps they could not complete a chore because they were physically unable. Perhaps they legitimately did not have enough time to practice their musical instrument. Be sure to recognize when an excuse is reasonable, and don’t be authoritarian. When in cases of violence, learn the difference between self-defense and violent behavior. "Dictionary.com" defines self-defense as "The right to protect oneself...with whatever force or means are reasonably necessary." Be sure that your child responded in a reasonable manner. In regards to chores, have clear-cut rules ahead of time as to when it is and isn't acceptable to leave them incomplete. This way, there will be no confusion for the child, they will know the consequences. Listen to both sides of the argument (assuming there is more than one side) and make your decision fairly. 

          Karen Klein of online Parent's Connection says it best: "Don't make it a major crime if a chore is not done, but don't excuse it and cover up for it either. Children don't do well with wishy-washy parents, but they also don't do well with heartless, demanding parents." (7)  While it is unnecessary to blow a child's irresponsibility out of proportion, it is also not a good idea to accept silly excuses.

          Avoid making excuses for your children. While it is easy to assume that your child is the perfect student, friend, and playmate, that is probably not the case. When a teacher or parent approaches you about an issue regarding your child, be sure to listen carefully. Although many parents feel threatened by accusations thrown at their child, it is important to take the advice, whether you use it or not. 

Children Responsibilities 

          This concept is simple. When children are given responsibilities, they learn to become responsible. According to Klein, "Every child who carries some consistent responsibilities around the house gains from the experience." (7)  She goes on to say that children not only learn responsibility through simple chores, they also develop confidence, self-esteem and independence. Have your child set the table, clean his or her room, or even use a vacuum cleaner (they may enjoy feeling “grown up”). Younger children, naturally, cannot handle as great of responsibilities as older children. Choose age-appropriate chores. Picking up their toys is a good example of a job a child can begin learning from eighteen months. Making chores fun by creating games is also a good technique. 

Talk with your children often 

          Be sure to communicate with your children. It can be easy to forget that they have feelings, too. Nurture feelings of belonging and love in your children by honestly caring about what they have to say. A child will be less likely to deflect blame if they know that they are loved regardless of what they do. 

Be a good role model 

          The best thing you can do for your children is to show them by example how to be responsible. Don’t blame others for the outcome of your actions. Everyone makes mistakes, even moms and dads! Make sure your children know this. Dr. Phil, in his article "What Kind of Role Model Are You?" uses fourteen questions to help his readers become a better role model for their children. Among them are to "model high morals" and "social responsibility." (5)  Remember: odds are your child wants to be just like you. Make sure they are looking up to a good role model. 

You are in a position of tremendous power in regard to influencing the development of your child. (5)

         Klein writes "You can count on your child learning responsibility if he/she sees you taking responsibility seriously." (7)  If you raise your child to be responsible, they may not adopt the trend of scapegoating. Teach them that they are “responsible for the outcome of their behavior.” Children eventually become adults, and hopefully the next generation will know not to blame others for the results of their own behavior. And remember, "it is not too late to get on the ball." (5)  It's never too late to improve, and there is always room for improvement.

REFERENCES:

1. Mackie, Mary. "Behavior Management."  Health Visiting's Guides for Parents. 28 April 2002.Health Visitor. 2 December 2004.

2. McGraw, Dr. Phil. "Age-Appropriate Discipline Techniques." Parenting: Discipline. Dr. Phil Online. 2 December 2004.

3. McGraw, Dr. Phil. "Common Discipline Mistakes." Parenting: Discipline. Dr. Phil Online. 2 December 2004.

4. McGraw, Dr. Phil. "Spanking Research." Parenting: Discipline. Dr. Phil Online. 2 December 2004.

5. McGraw, Dr. Phil. "What Kind of Role Model Are You?" Parenting: Raising Kids. Dr. Phil Online. 2 December 2004.

6. Reuters. "Spanking Research Analysis." FAS Community Resource Center. Washington. 25 June, 2002. Yahoo News. 2 December, 2004.

7. Klein, Karen. "Teaching Responsibility." Parent Connection. Red Hill, PA. Pre-K Smarties. 9 December, 2004.

Source of Graphic: http://www.healthvisiting.org/guides/behav.htm

Article written by Emily Stegman. Last edited December 9, 2004

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